Myself Series II: King of myself
by toobeauty
Summary: Sequel to "Losing myself". Hephaestion is sad, in Ecabatana, and had taken the most serious decision of all.


TITLE: King of myself.

AUTHOR: Too_beauty.

PAIRING: Hephaestion and Alexander.

RATING: PG

CATEGORY: Historical AU.

DISCLAMER: I don't know the people involved, they belong to History and to themselves but I wouldn't mind sharing my life with him. *sighs*

WARNING: None, just some angst.

**NO BETA so all mistakes are mine. I know I swore not to write again without a beta but couldn't stop my heart.**

FEEDBACK: comments are love!

AUTHOR'S NOTE: The words in block capital letters belong to the lyrics of "When there was me and you"

(not the best choice but the lyrics worked for me)

This is a sequel to "Losing myself".

Alexander found Hephaestion resting on a couch in the balcony; a thin cotton sheet was covering his legs up to the waist, leaving the well toned chest bare. Alexander could only stare at him; his Phai was so gorgeous that many times in the past, he had felt the desire to lock him up in the Royal Chamber and never let him go.

But lately, his Phai had been a bit distant; it was true that their journey back from the East had tired everybody, including the King, but Alexander hadn't been able to figure out what the problem was. That was why he was there, in Hephaestion's room, trying to find a solution.

But the young king didn't find the strength to wake him up, Alexander was mesmerized by the sight of his lover so peacefully sleeping; he had no wrinkles in his forehead, which was a good sign, no nightmares or worries were invading his rest.

Hephaestion stirred his lithe body and opened his eyes, he removed his legs from the couch and sat, after a moment he got up and rested his arms on the balcony rail, looking at the city of Ecbatana in front of his eyes.

Alexander walked silently towards to him and put his arms around the slender waist, Hephaestion jumped a little but he suddenly recognized the owner of those arms and those lips which were caressing the right side of his neck. Hephaestion moved his head to the right so he could see his king with the corner of his eye.

"Are you feeling better?" asked Alexander while he held him tightly.

"A bit, didn't know you were aware" said Hephaestion.

"I know everything related to you" said the king grinning.

"Do you? Lucky you, maybe you can tell me why I am feeling like an empty shell"

"Is that so bad?" he asked worried.

"Yes, I've been doing a lot of thinking and I have reached a decision" Hephaestion said, tensing his body.

"Can I know what it is?"

"I am staying here in Ecbatana; I am not following you to Arabia."

Alexander sighed against Hephaestion's neck and then set his forehead between his strong shoulder blades. Hephaestion stepped forward, forcing Alexander to release him from the tight embrace. He stood against the balcony and began speaking, his voice was calm but anyone could feel his pain in every word.

"IT'S FUNNY WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELF LOOKING FROM THE OUTSIDE, and everything is clearer; I'M STANDING HERE BUT ALL I WANT IS TO BE OVER THERE, be a simple man, with reachable dreams and a long life, WHY DID I LET MYSELF BELIEVE MIRACLES COULD HAPPEN, we truly know that the gods like playing tricks on us, CAUSE NOW I HAVE TO PRETEND THAT I DON'T REALLY CARE that you have a wife, a lover and many others who occasionally share your bed.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FAIRYTALE, A DREAM WHEN I'M NOT SLEEPING, because you

were all the things I dreamt about when I was a little kid, back in Pella, A WISH UPON A STAR THAT IS COMING TRUE because you could help me to achieve all the things that I thought I needed to be happy, but EVERYBODY ELSE COULD TELL THAT I CONFUSED MY FEELINGS WITH THE TRUTH, even the blindest mind realized that and I still thought everything could be possible WHEN THERE WAS ME AND YOU.

I SWORE I KNEW THE MELODY THAT I HEARD YOU SINGING, one we composed along our years lived together AND WHEN YOU SMILED YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE I COULD SING ALONG, because we shared the same rhythm and lyrics were true to us BUT THEN YOU WENT AND CHANGED THE WORDS and with that rules changed too and NOW MY HEART IS EMPTY because everything is strange, I'M ONLY LEFT WITH USED-TO-BE'S, many of them now forgotten AND ONCE UPON A SONG that isn't played anymore."

Alexander couldn't believe Hephaestion's words; he was revealing his most inner feelings, hidden in his heart for so long. He didn't dare to say a word or interrupt this flow of words which were falling from his lover's lips.

Without turning once, Hephaestion went on pouring his heart:

"NOW I KNOW YOU'RE NOT A FAIRYTALE, you are just a man, a great man but not a god, AND DREAMS WERE MEANT FOR SLEEPING because it is only in dreamlands where they can become real AND WISHES ON A STAR JUST DON'T COME TRUE, at least my skylight had been deprived of stars for a long time, CAUSE NOW EVEN I CAN TELL THAT I CONFUSED MY FEELINGS WITH THE TRUTH, my love for you blinded me and because of it, I accepted things that I shouldn't have just BECAUSE I LIKED THE VIEW WHEN THERE WAS ME AND YOU.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I COULD BE SO BLIND, how on earth I couldn't see what I was becoming, IT IS LIKE YOU WERE FLOATING and flying near the gods WHILE I WAS FALLING to earth, with the mere mortals AND I DIDN'T MIND CAUSE I LIKED THE VIEW AND I THOUGHT YOU FELT IT TOO, the same love WHEN THERE WAS ME AND YOU, but I was wrong, you became a stranger to me; I cannot share your dreams any longer because we have become so different that there's nothing bonding us anymore."

Turning round, Hephaestion looked at Alexander with his not so cerulean eyes, once blue and lively, now blurry and lifeless, and asked him:

"Will you stop me now, Sire, when I am trying to be king of myself?"

Alexander looked at him into his eyes and with a cracked voice, he stated:

"I love you too much to dishonor your wish; go and be happy and whenever you need something, let me know. Goodbye Hephaestion, I wish you a long and healthy life."

"Health to you, Alexander" whispered Hephaestion the retreating frame of the Macedonian king.


End file.
